Guest Inteview with Ellen Gerst: Part 2

Ellen Gerst is a grief and relationship coach who uses her experiences to help clients through the grief process.  She can be reached via facebook.  You can find the first part of the interview here.

What is the mission of the website "lost and found" and how might non-widows, such as people in general struggling with losses of all kinds, use the resources offered on this site?

“Lost and Found” is a pair of opposites that reflect the natural duality of the universe. By experiencing both ends of the spectrum, one comes to understand and appreciate the other. This concept does not only apply to one type of loss but all kinds, both big and small.

Learning to move gracefully through the cycles of loss and subsequent rebirth in one’s life is a skill not taught by society. In fact, most shy away from talking about loss and feel awkward around those who are grieving. I believe this is because it brings up one’s own mortality or how frail the line is between success and failure. And no one really wants to go there!

When loss occurs, mourners are dropped into a foreign land. It’s almost as if they are watching a movie with subtitles, but the words scroll across the screen so fast that they can’t read them. On top of feeling rejected by society, there are no instructions on what to do and how to feel. They are lost without a map to follow.

This website offers a lifeline back to the main road – to help mourners of all categories find their way back to solid ground and eventual renewal.

The name of the website was also chosen from a quote by Clement Robinson, who said in 1584 that “I much rather be lost than found.”  This struck a chord within me, for I wholeheartedly agree with him.

When you’re lost, you become a seeker. You seek for knowledge, understanding, love, truth, your place in the world, and how to connect to yourself, to others and the world-at-large, amongst other things.

On the other hand, “being found” can equal complacency or stagnation. It’s possible that you’ve reached a place in life that all is going smoothly. You may feel comfortable enough to lift your hand off the “tiller of your ship.” When you do, what can happen? Your ship, or life, may start to veer off course because you weren’t paying attention or you allowed yourself to operate on auto pilot.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I am not advocating that you look for drama in your life, and you certainly need to appreciate and revel in the times when things are going well. You simply need to pay attention and to always be seeking to become the best version of yourself. It’s a lot easier to make minor corrections as you go along vs. having to make a complete turnaround.

Although the word lost usually holds a negative connotation and found a positive one, when you take into consideration the explanations I’ve offered above, “being (a little) lost” is really a good thing. It makes you always strive to be and do your best.

You mention the idea of a "grief journey" --what can people do to navigate this journey with grace and dignity?

The grief journey is all about self-reflection and introspective thought. When the life you had planned gets ripped away, it is virtually impossible for you to remain the same person you were before your loss. Your grief journey is really a journey to find the new you who will emerge as you face the challenges (and rewards) of loss.

One suggestion on how to accomplish this feat is to become a reporter of your own life. By that I mean, ask yourself the six questions that every reporter attempts to answer when writing a story. In fact, you are writing the Story of Your Life Part II, so ask: Who? What? When? Why? Where? and How?

During your quest for answers, here’s a small sample of some questions you can ask yourself.
Who are you now? Who will be the participants in your life going forward?
What am I going to do with the rest of my life? What do I want to accomplish going forward?
When, if ever, will I feel like myself again? When will it get better?
Why did this happen to me?
Where am I going to live, work, etc.? Where do I fit in?
How am I going to do this?

Moving forward through grief with grace and dignity is a process. It’s pretty hard at the beginning when all you want to do is crawl into a hole and not come out. In your anger, you might lash out at those who are trying to help you the most. Moreover, your emotions reside on the surface of your being, and so you are especially sensitive to the comments and actions of others.

Mourners always have a choice to either reflectively respond or reflexively react to their circumstances.  They must also conserve their limited energy. For example, mourners can choose to waste their energy on anger over inappropriate or hurtful comments or choose to be happy for the people who have never experienced loss and realize that is the reason they don’t know how to act toward one who is grieving.

I believe that moving through all circumstances of life with grace and dignity comes down to a person’s perspective. Move a couple of degrees to the positive and a whole new world can open up. Additionally, the universe is a giant mirror and whatever messages are transmitted reflect back to the sender.

Accordingly, if you stay mired in negativity and mad at the world, you will encounter more situations that will make you angry. On the other hand, if you make conscious decisions to project out hope, gratitude, love, and grace under pressure, you will be presented with situations in which these positive feelings can be planted, take root and bloom.

How can writers dealing with topics and loss find a supportive community for sharing their stories and connecting with other people?

When I was widowed 17 years ago, the availability of a supportive community for young widows was practically non-existent. As the Internet grew and social media pervaded society, lots of organizations that connect widow/ers globally have sprung up, including, Hope For Widows, the Widdahood, Open To Hope, Legacy.com, and Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation, to name but a few.  Each of these communities offers mourners a venue to share their stories and connect with others in similar circumstances. Blogging is also another popular way to tell your story. There are also anthologies who look to publish stories of loss, too, one of which I was the co-editor, Thin Threads of Grief and Renewal.

I have found all the aforementioned communities to be warm and welcoming. Those who have experienced loss seem to feel an almost immediate connection to others who have experienced the same pain. They are willing to open their hearts and their ears to hear the stories of others.

I might briefly add some of the reasons why it is important to tell our stories.

• To heal. When you touch the life of another, especially one who has experienced something similar, an immediate bond is formed. The gap is bridged between the teller and the listener, and both feel less alone. This act of connecting and knowing that somebody “gets you” is very healing.
• To evaluate. You may feel that you haven’t progressed very far on your journey. However, when you hear the story of someone who has spent less time on the roads of grief, you can accept that, even though you may not be in the place you want to be, you have come a long way on your own travels.
• To change your perspective. When you swap stories with others, it allows you to hear different perspectives as well as learn about different ways to handle similar situations you’re encountering. When you only hear your own story in your head, it can become difficult to decide what sounds right or wrong. When you release your thoughts, out in the air (so to speak), it allows you to hear your story with a fresh ear and to decide if your feelings are appropriate or not.
• To validate.  Without connecting to others in similar situations, it is easy to think you’re going crazy with all the random thoughts that may cross your mind. When you share and discover that others feel the same, you can heave a big sigh of relief.

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Guest Interview: Ellen Gerst (Part 1)

We are proud to have the opportunity to get to know Ellen Gerst in the following interview. I decided that, in addition to our contributor interviews, it would be good to talk to people whose interests overlap with our anthology, "Joy, Interrupted."  This is the first part of the interview with Ellen; the second part will be on this blog later in the week.

Ellen Gerst is a grief and relationship coach who uses both her personal experience as a young widow and her professional expertise to help clients and readers experience a change in perspective to held them gracefully move from the darkness of loss to the light of renewal.

She is a member of the Advisory Board of Hope For Widows, a workshop leader, and the author of several books on both grief and relationships, which are available through her website at or via Amazon.  You can also connect with her on Facebook to receive tips and thoughts on finding love after loss.

INTERVIEW: ELLEN GERST, March 2012, Part 1


What role do you think writing has in the grief process and/or in your own situation as a widow at 39 years old and beyond?

I believe that putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard as it is nowadays) and producing the written word is a magical medium. It is a vehicle that allows you to write to yourself about your own confused set of emotions. In this way, it is a cathartic device, for it permits you to move your difficult and racing thoughts to another physical location. When you are done “throwing up” these types of thoughts, you always have the option of deleting the words off your computer or crumbling up the piece of paper onto which you inscribed your diatribe of despair and to throw it away. Whether you keep or discard your musings, you are figuratively ridding yourself of negativity/sadness/anger and allowing a space to open within you for more positive thoughts to flow.

And, although I am a big believer of writing about your angst, I think it is equally important to journal positive experiences and thoughts. When you are encountering an especially difficult time and feel nothing ever goes your way, this practice will allow you to review past entries and realize that you have also had many good days. This helps you to keep everything in proper perspective.

Many use the writing process to share their thoughts with others, as evidenced by the many “grief” blogs and articles that appear on the Internet. When I was widowed almost 17 years ago, blogs were non-existent. Instead, I started sharing my thoughts through a newsletter that I wrote for a local Arizona grief group. I wrote about all aspects of grieving – emotional, mental, spiritual and physical. It was a record of my journey as I encountered all the new circumstances I needed to conquer; I just experienced it aloud as I shared it with my audience.

Until I started getting feedback from other widow/ers, I didn’t know that most of what I was experiencing was commonly felt by others, too. Of course, everyone grieves in their own way, but there are universal and shared underlying truths about grief, and these are the ones that came shining through in my writings. This was very validating for me and encouraged me to share more as I figured out my new life. As I continued in my efforts, I helped others by providing suggestions and options on how they could approach similar issues.

So writing is both a mechanism that helps the writer and the reader. I consider that a winning combination and one of the reasons why writing through grief is so popular.

The articles I wrote for that newsletter were so well received that they became the foundation for my first coping with grief book, Suddenly Single: How To find Renewal After Loss.

What's your best advice for someone looking for "love after loss," whether in the form of a romance or other relationships?

There are many self-help books written to help you find love, mine included (Love After Loss: Writing The Rest of Your Story). It’s important, though, to keep in mind that books have a tendency to “intellectualize” the process of developing a relationship by providing a blueprint to follow. It is just as important to recognize that love is a feeling or emotion, and that it is hard for it to always flourish within rigid rules and boundaries. Sometimes when the right person comes along, you must simply discard your stringent list of requirements.

I always say that you must listen to your inner knowing or your intuition. Your body will never lie to you; you just need to learn how to recognize the language it speaks. I suggest that when you are trying to make a decision, complete a quick check to make sure that your head, your heart and your gut are in alignment. If they are, you won’t be second guessing yourself or see red flags in the distance that you may be choosing to ignore. You will feel calm and at peace with your decision.

That said, of utmost importance, before jumping into a new relationship, you must first complete your grief work. A good majority of relationships fail because either one or both parties are not ready to make the full commitment a successful relationship requires.

Consider the fact that your loss has precipitated a monumental change in your life. Consequently, the answers to the following questions have different answers now, and you need to figure out what they are.

Who do you think you are?
Is this the same as how others see you?
So, who are you really now?
How are you approaching your life now?
What do you need and want in life and in a partner going forward, and is this different from what you wanted before your loss?

This is only a small smattering of the long list of questions you will have to answer in order to figure out the new you. When you can fully recognize (and accept/love) the new you, it is then you can first begin your search for a new other. If you look for love before this point, you will very likely wind up with the wrong person.

Of course, that doesn’t mean you can’t practice! Practice dating is one of the ways that helps you to figure out this new you because it is a source of immediate feedback. You can try out new personas and determine what works and what doesn’t. More importantly, as you continue to figure out and refine the new you, learn to appreciate the small moments of happiness found in just living everyday life. Project this happiness, and the universe will reflect it back upon you.

Please look forward to more interviews with contributors to "Joy, Interrupted" and part two of our interview with Ellen Gerst.

Spotlight on contributors to "Joy, Interrupted": Terri Elders and Megan Moore

We are honored to put the spotlight on two contributors for our anthology, “Joy, Interrupted,” Terri and Megan.

Terri Elders
Terri Elders has two pieces in the anthology, “Ready for Stardust” and “Dreaming as the Summers Die.”

What inspired your work to be published in the anthology? 

Though I became a step-grandmother when I remarried in my sixties, the children all had other grandmothers already. Kendra was born just a few days after my husband died, and is my "official" step-grandchild, since her maternal grandmother lives in Eastern Europe, and her paternal grandmother has had little contact because of illness.

"Ready for Stardust" is about the emotions I felt when I attended her christening. I was adopted by my birth father's sister and her husband, and in “Dreaming as the Summers Die,” I recount the last day I saw my birth mother.

Even in old age, I wonder about her life and wish I'd had a chance to talk to her about her girl-hood. 

Who are you and what is interesting about yourself, personally, or as a writer? 

I am a retired psychiatric social worker, and now live in the country near Colville, Washington in the far northeast corner of the state. I grew up in Los Angeles, and lived for decades in Long Beach, so I miss the ocean. I served as a Peace Corps Volunteer in Belize, Dominican Republic and Seychelles and also worked at Peace Corps Headquarter as a program and training specialist. I've been to over 50 countries. 

Where else have you been published? 

I started writing as a child, and have been published in dozens of anthologies and periodicals, including multiple editions of Chicken Soup for the Soul, A Cup of Comfort, Patchwork Path, HCI Ultimate, Literary Cottage, and other anthologies and magazines. I'm writing my memoir story by story for anthologies. Through these books I have a chance to reflect on how events shaped my life, and perhaps to influence or inspire others.

Why did you submit to our anthology? 

The title appealed to me...Joy, Interrupted. I've seen so many lives shattered by unfulfilled dreams and dashed hopes. Yet we all suffer losses, and the longer we live the more we lose.

What are some favorite books, movies, or other representations of motherhood have you liked or appreciated? 

Lisa See's Shanghai Girls comes immediately to mind. Also, the classic, Louisa May Alcott's Little Women, the first children's book I read that focused on growing up.

Anything else you would like to share? 

I'm grateful that Fat Daddy's Farm plans to publish anthologies, and look forward to seeing call outs for more stories.

Terri Elders can reached by email at elders@hotmail.com and her blog is at http://atouchoftarragon.blogspot.com/

Megan Moore
Megan's piece is called “Life without Rain” and is about “my baby girl being born sleeping.” She is the mother of three and loves traveling and Tinkerbell. She is 25 years old and lives in Texas. She was inspired by “my angel baby Rain” and wanted “to get the story of my Rain out” in the world. She would also like people to know, “Heaven is for real.”

Megan can be reached at Selesprincess@yahoo.com

Please look forward to more interviews with contributors and a guest interview with Ellen Gerst, a grief and relationship coach, this week.

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Call for Submissions

Fat Daddy’s Farm Press has partnered with Vicki Sapp and William Matthew McCarter (Editors) to bring you Trash Told Tales: Trash Talkin’ from Whitetrashistan.  The editors are requesting short fiction, poetry, plays, or creative non-fiction, and various types of artwork, for an anthology of white trash literature.  

It is the mission of Fat Daddy’s Farm Press (fatdaddysfarm.org) to publish marginalized voices – narratives that fall through the cracks of the dominant discourse – and we feel that this topic deserves some serious consideration.  If you would like information about the press and to keep up with the progress of this anthology, please:  Subscribe to Fat Daddy's Farm News

From the Editors:

Vicki Sapp: “Here’s your chance to submit your tales of white people doing trashy things. Or trashy people doing white things (it being commonly--pun intended--presumed that any respectable white trash party includes lots of booze, vomit, violence, and at least one report of what might be called rape in some circles (William Byrd II of Westover). However, WT has its more constructive pastimes as well: the phrase ‘truth is stranger than fiction’ was coined by a wordsmith hanging out at the trailer park. So we are calling for your truths, told in the inimitable WT way. If you are not sure that your submission is about “white trash,” or you don’t know what “trashy” means, you should probably submit elsewhere now and revisit us after cultural enlightenment via the forthcoming volume. Words of advice for submissions: No Tobacco Road tragedies as we mean to keep it both real and fun. Also none of that Tucker Max xtreme stuff; we run a relatively clean trailer around here. And finally, submissions from advanced degree holders are welcome; paper might cover rock--but sheepskin don't cover trash."

William Matthew McCarter:  “In my book, Homo Redneckus: On Being Not Qwhite in America, I discussed the discursive anomaly that exists in terms of whiteness and terms like cracker, hillbilly, redneck, and white trash.  Now, I am looking forward to reading and editing a collection of works that really speaks to the heart of the white trash aesthetic.  We all know that Southerners and those who have historically lived in conditions of institutional poverty are natural storytellers.  Let’s tell our ‘white trash’ stories to a larger audience in this anthology.  Send us your trash and let us look forward to dumpster diving.” 

The editors are seeking short stories, poetry, plays, creative non-fiction, comics, and art work that embodies the white trash experience.  The stories can take place in trailer parks, rural country settings, or even in tenements.  Authors can celebrate the aesthetic of excess by writing about white trash parties, celebrations, or vacations.  There can be white trash characters like the Snopes clan from a Faulkner novel or Bone from Dorothy Allison’s Bastard Out of Carolina. Send us your best trashy stories and help us to compile an anthology of white trash literature. 

The deadline for submissions is July 1^st, 2012.  Potential contributors will be notified of acceptance about 90 days after that.  

Submit a brief bio, cover letter, and your contribution to the anthology to Fat Daddy's Farm @Submishmash



For questions or queries, please send your e-mails to profmccarter@yahoo.com.

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